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Text/photos: Justin Kosman
Nothing beats a good road trip, but sometimes when deadlines are tight and riders are home, you’ve got to go to where the action is—and quick. For some reason I fooled myself into thinking I would have some “me” time during the winter months, but as I type this rant, I’m sitting on the 17th plane in just two months and now headed to Europe. Here’s a little list I put together about the unique aspects of air travel before I completely lose my mind in the next 15 hours.
The Sweet:
Jet Blue
It’s a small airline, but it has daily flight from New York to Long Beach, CA. Direct TV, six-dollar-a-day parking, and cheap fares make this a killer airline if you can book it. Perfect for flying coast to coast, and with an eight-inch TV six-inches from your face it is your own personal episode of “Cribs.”
Cheese Curds
I fly United the most, and on their longer flight they offer snack boxes for five dollars. The “Quick Pick” option is just s bunch of junk food, but contains a diamond in the rough—baked cheese curds. Imagine you made M&Ms out of cottage cheese and they were crunchy. That is basically what these are. I’m sure Brian Kachinsky and Dave Freimuth eat bowls of these for breakfast, but they are new to me; and delicious.
Spring Break
Booking trips around spring break can be kind of expensive during high season, but well worth it. There is no doubt you’ll pass herds of soon to be hung over sorority girls en-route to what will be a girls-gone-wild week of debauchery. While they are off shot-gunning tall boys and taking body shots of Pucker, you are crooked grinding the rails in front of their dorm room on a vacant campus. Although, finding them post party and sleeping in an oversold pile of pink Juicy sweat pants at O’Hare airport is kind of a sad sight.
Window Seat
Taking off and landing gives you a 30-second glimpse into the backyards of roughly 300 homes surrounding any given airport. For a second I imagine that everyone’s swimming pool is empty and no one is home. A boy and his dream.
The Morning After
If you were traveling for a contest, you have to make it through the after-party as well. Common sense tells you that staying up all night until your 5am flight is a good idea; at least that’s what half of the people end up doing anyway. Checking in for you flight that early morning to find a handful of riders with sleeveless T-shirts lends itself for some healthy off-the-record stories. Many of which end in, “…and I still don’t know where Biz is at.”
The Lame:
That Guy
You’ve got a middle seat and the lucky SOB to your left who got the window seat wants to put the arm rest up, because he is extra large. Your five-hour flight will now feel like ten with your new buddy and his beer belly. Bonus points if you cuddle.
First timer
Flying was fun when I was 12 and headed to Disneyworld. Over time, the stale air, cramped seats, and salty nuts lost their appeal. Once in a blue moon you’ll be seated next you someone who is psyched to be flying, and they want to tell you all about it. Where you’re going, where you’ve been. Each successive story is another can of worms to explain to this complete stranger. Chances are you’re being punished, or you’ll learn something if you listen. Do what Dan Sieg would do and get her number.
Babies
Crying babies. Barfing babies. Kicking babies. The crying babies vs. the iPod is a tolerable match-up. Barfing babies are much more rare. I’ve witnessed one and smelled two in the past ten years. Kicking babies are the worst. Mom and baby are right behind you, and baby is playing soccer with the back up your seat. You’d rather be at the dentist for four hours.
Standby
We sold 200 seats for a 195-passenger flight, so it looks like you are now on standby. The most you can do is take your $200 voucher and get comfortable. Try to imagine what Morgan Wade and Gary Young are doing in pro practice and what new magic tricks Catfish has come up with. Eat your Cinnabon and be happy, have Losey text you an update.
It was a good idea at the time…
So staying up all night until your flight—turns out it’s not such a good idea. Sketchy sleep on the plane. No work gets accomplished. Collapse when you get home. Wake up at 2am—wide awake—and remember you left your iPod in the plane on your last connection. Cheers.
